documenting this moment of tiny epiphany because god knows i am way too fickle and messy to remember or hold myself accountable to it.

and i just wanna stretch out this moment for a little while longer.

i find myself falling into old toxic habits when things get tough and i think the problem is i keep telling myself i have to succeed on the first try, the second try or the third try but the reality is that it's hard to unlearn twenty three/four years of toxicity and negative beliefs

and i'm setting crazy high expectations of myself, of the people around me and of the world, that's just driving me insane.

i am always a work in progress and that's not a bad thing.

also, i'm learning to be more open. and i think it's a horrible painful process.
but that's okay.

unlearning and challenging the weird and destructive beliefs i have set up against myself and the people i care about.

and i will probably fail.
and i need to remind myself that's fine.

people are not figments of my imagination, that i need to embrace and endeavor to understand the depth of one's character in order to truly achieve intimacy in my relationships

and even then, people fail and they leave and they hurt you and they die or whatever and it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

it is not a reflection of the depth of my character and my soul, loss and rejection do not define the person i am or am going to be. neither does it mean they're horrible people

nobody said it would be easy to live with yourself. and that's okay.
the point being, struggling is okay, it's great, it's fine. it's a process.